Tuesday, 28 February 2012

The Murse (aka "The Satchel"): Five Reasons Why Indiana Jones Can Pull It Off and You Can't.

A tragic trend has seemed to creep into North America from Europe. It is called the Murse (derived from man-purse). The scourge of the cities known as the hipsters have been quick to adopt this. When mocked about wearing a murse and being told it makes them look like a tool they will retort by calling it a satchel and claiming it is cool because Indiana Jones uses one. Next time a hipster tries to point that out to you respond with this list of five reasons why Indiana Jones can pull it off and they can't.

1. He has a freaking PhD:
Indie is a world renowned university professor who has probably achieved tenure since he leaves his lectures frequently and does not seem to get fired. He has earned the right to be a little quirky.
Professors like that might make me actually want to sit through a lecture.

2. He is ripped:
Ask women around the world, Indiana Jones is damn fine and we would make sweet tender love to him in a heartbeat. Also judging by the offspring he produces those attributes don't dilute through the gene pool (even if that sequel should never have been, yes you know you would go for Shia Labeouf if you had the chance). When a man is that manly a little bit of femininity almost makes him even more masculine.
Yeah, you can pull off sleeveless Indie.

3. He has done more women than you, your father, your grandfather and all of your college buddies combined:
This is connected to number two, but still is a point unto itself, Indiana Jones is irresistable and does insanely well with the ladies, infact you probably can't even fathom the number of women he has been with.
Oh you know why she's smiling.
4. His father is Sean Connery:
Always wished I could count this man among my grandparents.

5. He went on dangerous nazi killing adventures:
How many times have you broken into a temple, stolen a priceless magical artifact, had it stolen by the nazis, track it back down, and stop the nazis from winning the second world war single handedly, oh yeah and kill a bunch of them while doing all that? You haven't? Then you will never be able to pull of a murse.
There is a reason these nazi zombies waited until the 2000s to come back.

Saturday, 25 February 2012

A Dark Documentary

Well I watched, not a horror movie today, but a documentary about a horror franchise. That film was His Name Was Jason, hosted by Tom Savini who took a rather sadistic approach to introducing the different portions in a Camp Crystal Lake themed haunted house. Before the documentary even started there were the previews, which strategically were all modern day slasher films. Out of the four trailers I had already seen two of the movies both of which were hilarious and awesome in their own respects Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon "I would never keep a pet I couldn't eat" and Hatchet with one of my new favourite actors Joel D. Moore.

Amazing how much variety you can get with just a hockey mask.
The film begins (after an introduction by the enthusiastic Tom Savini) with people involved in the films and filmmakers who are fans of the series summarizing what happens over the course of the franchise (not including the "remake" because it had yet to be released). They of course covered the fact that Jason wasn't the killer until the second instalment and that he also wasn't the killer in the 5th instalment. I was glad to find out that I wasn't crazy in thinking that Jason does however show up at the end of the first film he's just still quite scrawny back then. I did find it interesting that in the second instalment he doesn't don the iconic hockey mask yet and just has a potato sack. Do you think it would be creepier or less creepy if they had just kept that as his mask for the franchise? Also fun fact Kevin Bacon gets killed in one of the movies and because Jason doesn't have a star on the walk of fame, for the documentary they shot a scene of Jason destroying Kevin Bacon's star with a machete.

Back to the segways between segments of the documentary which along with Mr. Savini feature some girls running around as if Jason was really there... and playing strip Monopoly. It would be rather strange to have an acting credit for a documentary. One of the actors had some advice for actors from his experience on set. Don't get stoned to play a stoned character. That just ruined all of my acting strategies now, no allergy medicine for me! Someone else who acted in a Friday the 13th Movie was Corey Feldman, he even killed Jason in it and he was only a little kid. SERIOUSLY!?!? Jason got taken down by the Feldmiester, something about that just seems wrong.

Gotta love the Jason memes
We also got a tutorial on the Friday 13th formula and one of the points I found most interesting was that there could not be any helpful adult authorities, in contrast to the Halloween franchise. One of the filmmakers also reminded me of a great point, Jason is the best form of contraception because in his world Sex = Painful Death. The final point I want to talk about from this documentary is Kane Hodder, who has played Jason the most times of any actor (parts 7, 8, 9 & 10) and also played Victor Crowley in the Hatchet franchise. After hearing him interviewed he seems to me like a legitimately nice and fun guy. I really hope that I someday get to work with him on a horror film just because he seems to love what he does.

And thats it for the informative documentary His Name Was Jason.

Thursday, 16 February 2012

Can You Say 200? Because I Certainly Can.

Well yesterday was my blood-soaked birthday. I celebrated with cupcakes and, drum roll please, MY 200TH HORROR MOVIE!!!! I know what and accomplishment right? Well I decided to interview my friends afterwards and make a video about it, so here it is:

Also my roommate made me a super awesome birthday card:
An actor never reveals their age.

Monday, 13 February 2012

A Little Bit Crazy

I must apologize to those of you who have been waiting for my next article with bated breath. I have been a little busy WATCHING HORROR MOVIES *gasp* because I have a little bit of catching up to do if I'm going to watch my 200th on Wednesday. In fact, I'm watching one as I type. So first on the list let me tell you about my time at A Little Bit Zombie.

It was bigger on the inside.
The evening started when I lined up with my friend to get in. We were outside and a limosine pulled up and I just got super excited as the cast and crew of the movie came out. I was quite frustrated though when we couldn't see them from the line-up for their movie because people waiting to buy tickets for hollywood movies were all standing in the way. Then we were in the theatre and the movie started, that's right, no commercials, just straight into the movie. Now this review is harder for me than usual because I was so into the movie I couldn't take notes. Also I really don't want to give anything away because it was so funny in it's own right and I want you to watch it yourself. Stephen McHattie is amazing off the top as a battered zombie hunter, sexually harassing his assistant Penelope (Emilie Ullerup). I especially found him amusing since I had seen his performances in Pontypool and You Might As Well Live. Then we get to the main cast on a cabin retreat in preparation for a happy couple's upcoming wedding. They all have great chemistry together combining the lovable Steve (Kristopher Turner), Bridezilla Tina (Crystal Lowe), meat head Craig (Shawn Roberts) and his wife/Steve's sister Sarah the celiac (Kristen Hager). One of the keys to the plot is the fact that Sarah and Tina hate each other, and how you can really tell that is that Tina makes everyone quiche and Sarah eats it... quiche is not gluten free. When you do watch this one (which you will or else) make sure to keep your eyes open to allusions to The Evil Dead trilogy. So in conclusion when you can get your hands on this one, you are in for a hilarious time.

Got any suggestions for a toothache?

Second I've now found a reality tv show that I actually like and don't feel guilty about watching. This show is Face Off and is a competition for special effects make-up artists. I've only watched two episodes, but in one of them the contestants had to create horror movie villains based on different phobias and there was some amazing stuff, also some really crappy stuff, but mostly really amazing stuff.

Third, this weekend I had a great time being an extra on the set of Leap 4 Your Life, which isn't a horror or sci-fi project, but was really fun (even got some free food out of it). How this ties into the Horror Hub is that I got to hang out on set with some of the stars and creators of an upcoming horror movie called Death Do Us Part. From what I've read about it the beginning is quite similar to A Little Bit Zombie because it is about a wedding party going out to a cabin in the woods before the nuptials. I am really excited for this one since it is another Canadian production and who knows, maybe I'll be able to get an interview with some of the cast and crew for the blog.

Finally this isn't a horror or sci-fi movie either, but I watched this movie called Best Day Ever and while it doesn't really have much to do with my blog I was legitimately surprised by the ending. Well I suppose what does make it horrifying is that it was real. I can't imagine anyone my age or younger going through that.