Monday, 14 November 2011

A Little Splice of Home

And people wonder why I don't want a kid.
Ok so this weekend I went home to visit my family and watched the movie Splice with my Dad. Now I will warn you that as a Canadian I am biased to not dislike this film. Oh and for future reference, just because I make fun of something does not mean that I don't like it, I make fun of everything. Oh and while attempts are made to avoid them, spoilers do happen on occasion, so read at your own risk.

To kick this movie off it opens with the birth of a giant living turd (which also appears at times to be quite phallic in shape). Then the turd falls in love with another turd, how beautiful... These interesting choices of aesthetic continues into the lover/scientist teams' meeting with their evil corporate funding queen, the couple doesn't even bother to wear business attire. Ironic t-shirts have no place in a board meeting. No wonder their meeting didn't go the way they wanted it to. Nobody trusts a scientist who doesn't wear itchy sweater vests, high waisted pants and bow ties.

Of course after just a few minutes of observing the film one can realize the true root of all the problems in this film. The two scientists are hipsters. Hipsters should never be let anywheres near a test tube let alone an entire facility capable of creating Lovecraftian demons. There is a reason that hipsters are only allowed to get degrees in things like obscure forms of philosophy or literature, it is so that they don't play god and destroy the very fabric of the universe. This leads us to the couple's creation who's first act of evil, which should have made the scientists destroy it then and there, was to trap the woman's arm in the giant fake vagina/uterus contraption (which I am sure fills the nightmares of many people). Adrian Brody doesn't even attempt to kill the thing until a whopping 42 minutes into the film and it isn't even a very good one at that since his attempt ends up saving its life instead. Of course his delusional wife somehow convinces herself that he knew what he was doing would save the abomination.

Now talking about the creature for a minute, it starts out as this disgusting thing, but by the time it reaches "adolescence" it somehow ends up resembling Ginnifer Goodwin (no offence intended towards Ginnifer, she is doing a great job in Once Upon A Time). If you are going to make it look like a human, just do it from the beginning rather than dashing our hopes that the thing will just get creepier looking and make those maternal instincts seem even more wrong than they already do. Then there was the terrible way they explained the birds and the bees to the monster. It is smarter than you think and surprisingly can see and hear you through that sheer piece of fabric. Also if someone can spell the word tedious I think they understand that there are 26 letters in the alphabet so a song about it on repeat isn't quite necessary.

******Spoilers Ahead******

Right from the beginning you knew it was going to happen and it was so satisfying when it did. I am talking about the giant turd deathmatch. It was actually worth it to not see it in the beginning of the film and have to wait until their giant press presentation. The only thing better in this movie than that scene is the look on the woman's face when she catches Adrian Brody doing the deed with "Dren" their creation. This of course happens because all hipster scientists make love to their experiments to keep life ironic.

Well that's about it for what I got that was blog worthy from Splice. While I wouldn't call it a classic it was definitely a solid sci-fi/horror film about what happens when you play god, which if you are wondering what happens when you play god you make the Jersey Devil.

Remember little hipster children, please don't become scientists, unless you will use your powers to create giant turd death matches and nothing else, then go right ahead.

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