The End of Days is Actually Rather Funny: This is the End

Now there appears to be a new trend in theatres this year, the end of the world. Of course there's all your usual fare like the world coming to the end via aliens and zombies, disasters, all the stuff that gets done all the time. But this year there is a bit of a twist, apocalyptic comedy. Off the top of my head I can think of The World's End, Rapturepalooza and This is the End (which I will be reviewing once you click read on). It was inevitable of course that humanity's destruction would leave the realm of horror-comedies (Shaun of the Dead, Zombieland, Cabin in the Woods) and turn to comedies with just a dash of horror.

The First Valloween: Warm Bodies

Now in my personal opinion Valentines day is lame. The only good thing about it is when my parents would give me chocolate, but now that I've moved out that doesn't happen. Community has inspired me to begin celebrating the day before my birthday with Valloween instead of Valentines day. I for one am all for replacing a holiday that just reminds me about being single with an excuse to dress up and watch a tonne of horror movies whilst still getting chocolate. This year it was rather short notice so I celebrated by going to Warm Bodies after I got off of work.

Yes Donald Glover, a thousand times yes, you can be my sexy Dracula!

The Murse (aka "The Satchel"): Five Reasons Why Indiana Jones Can Pull It Off and You Can't.

A tragic trend has seemed to creep into North America from Europe. It is called the Murse (derived from man-purse). The scourge of the cities known as the hipsters have been quick to adopt this. When mocked about wearing a murse and being told it makes them look like a tool they will retort by calling it a satchel and claiming it is cool because Indiana Jones uses one. Next time a hipster tries to point that out to you respond with this list of five reasons why Indiana Jones can pull it off and they can't.

1. He has a freaking PhD:

Indie is a world renowned university professor who has probably achieved tenure since he leaves his lectures frequently and does not seem to get fired. He has earned the right to be a little quirky.

Professors like that might make me actually want to sit through a lecture.

2. He is ripped:

Ask women around the world, Indiana Jones is damn fine and we would make sweet tender love to him in a heartbeat. Also judging by the offspring he produces those attributes don't dilute through the gene pool (even if that sequel should never have been, yes you know you would go for Shia Labeouf if you had the chance). When a man is that manly a little bit of femininity almost makes him even more masculine.

Yeah, you can pull off sleeveless Indie.

3. He has done more women than you, your father, your grandfather and all of your college buddies combined:

This is connected to number two, but still is a point unto itself, Indiana Jones is irresistable and does insanely well with the ladies, infact you probably can't even fathom the number of women he has been with.

Oh you know why she's smiling.

4. His father is Sean Connery:

MOTHER TRUCKING SEAN CONNERY.

Always wished I could count this man among my grandparents.

5. He went on dangerous nazi killing adventures:

How many times have you broken into a temple, stolen a priceless magical artifact, had it stolen by the nazis, track it back down, and stop the nazis from winning the second world war single handedly, oh yeah and kill a bunch of them while doing all that? You haven't? Then you will never be able to pull of a murse.

There is a reason these nazi zombies waited until the 2000s to come back.

A Little Splice of Home

And people wonder why I don't want a kid.

Ok so this weekend I went home to visit my family and watched the movie Splice with my Dad. Now I will warn you that as a Canadian I am biased to not dislike this film. Oh and for future reference, just because I make fun of something does not mean that I don't like it, I make fun of everything. Oh and while attempts are made to avoid them, spoilers do happen on occasion, so read at your own risk.

To kick this movie off it opens with the birth of a giant living turd (which also appears at times to be quite phallic in shape). Then the turd falls in love with another turd, how beautiful... These interesting choices of aesthetic continues into the lover/scientist teams' meeting with their evil corporate funding queen, the couple doesn't even bother to wear business attire. Ironic t-shirts have no place in a board meeting. No wonder their meeting didn't go the way they wanted it to. Nobody trusts a scientist who doesn't wear itchy sweater vests, high waisted pants and bow ties.

Of course after just a few minutes of observing the film one can realize the true root of all the problems in this film. The two scientists are hipsters. Hipsters should never be let anywheres near a test tube let alone an entire facility capable of creating Lovecraftian demons. There is a reason that hipsters are only allowed to get degrees in things like obscure forms of philosophy or literature, it is so that they don't play god and destroy the very fabric of the universe. This leads us to the couple's creation who's first act of evil, which should have made the scientists destroy it then and there, was to trap the woman's arm in the giant fake vagina/uterus contraption (which I am sure fills the nightmares of many people). Adrian Brody doesn't even attempt to kill the thing until a whopping 42 minutes into the film and it isn't even a very good one at that since his attempt ends up saving its life instead. Of course his delusional wife somehow convinces herself that he knew what he was doing would save the abomination.

Now talking about the creature for a minute, it starts out as this disgusting thing, but by the time it reaches "adolescence" it somehow ends up resembling Ginnifer Goodwin (no offence intended towards Ginnifer, she is doing a great job in Once Upon A Time). If you are going to make it look like a human, just do it from the beginning rather than dashing our hopes that the thing will just get creepier looking and make those maternal instincts seem even more wrong than they already do. Then there was the terrible way they explained the birds and the bees to the monster. It is smarter than you think and surprisingly can see and hear you through that sheer piece of fabric. Also if someone can spell the word tedious I think they understand that there are 26 letters in the alphabet so a song about it on repeat isn't quite necessary.

******Spoilers Ahead******

Right from the beginning you knew it was going to happen and it was so satisfying when it did. I am talking about the giant turd deathmatch. It was actually worth it to not see it in the beginning of the film and have to wait until their giant press presentation. The only thing better in this movie than that scene is the look on the woman's face when she catches Adrian Brody doing the deed with "Dren" their creation. This of course happens because all hipster scientists make love to their experiments to keep life ironic.

Well that's about it for what I got that was blog worthy from Splice. While I wouldn't call it a classic it was definitely a solid sci-fi/horror film about what happens when you play god, which if you are wondering what happens when you play god you make the Jersey Devil.

Remember little hipster children, please don't become scientists, unless you will use your powers to create giant turd death matches and nothing else, then go right ahead.